The Story

Hey teammate

Happy Sunday. Hope you’re relaxing and setting yourself up for freedom.

Fill the gap

This week felt like the end of a long, drawn-out journey or the beginning of a new one.

While the job hunt is still on (and still sucks), in the months I’ve been without it, I’ve steadily built up to this point where I signed a few contracts that are good for a few months, likely longer. I have prospects. I invoiced a client, and they paid me the same day.

What’s this…money?

It called for a beer, so I reached out to my neighbourhood pal and good friend, Cam Smonk.

Cam is a brilliant human and a fantastic writer. He writes for work—a monotonous scrawl to appease the c-suite. Fortunately, the chasmic void is filled elsewhere. You can sip the good stuff over at Sublime Imbibing, or catch up on West End Toronto news and events on a new side gig, West End Raccoon.

Cam, thanklessly, bought my beers, despite my lame attempts. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

In fact, he paid the last time and bought our last two coffees together.

Cam is a gap filler.

Yesterday, I was packing up the laptop that Saving Sundays’ own, Jon Vasallo, lent to me while I was trying to curb spending with little income. Like Cam, Jon stepped in without hesitation when I needed support.

Jon is a gap filler.

As a hockey coach, after getting my assistant removed from the team, the team trainer, Keith, stepped in. He can barely skate, yet showed up to every practice (even when I couldn’t be there) to help the kids put in reps and elevate their skills.

Keith, too, steps up wherever there’s a need. He's a gap filler.

The Vagus & the Village

These gentleman, through their compassionate acts, are stimulating the Vagus Nerve—the longest nerve in our nervous system—which plays a vital role in producing a state of calm.

They’re tapping into the Mesolimbic reward system, releasing a double shot cocktail of dopamine and oxytocin packed with THC to give them the helper’s high.

It gives them a sense of agency, reinforcing their competence and value. It gives them confidence.

You’ve probably heard the phrase “it takes a village.”

For me, this past year was an early 80s rollercoaster. The kind with rickety wood beams and rusted bearings. The kind where you grip the bar a little tighter because there's no seatbelt and you're not sure the thing was ever inspected. My village provided psychological safety—reminding my brain that the world is still a safe and predictable place.

The bell tolled for me. DING - you’re waking up at 2 am with chronic stress. DONG - how’s that brief musical note of grief? The gap fillers were buffers, reminding me I wasn’t alone and reducing cortisol, the stress hormone.

Feeling seen, that core human need satisfying our deep-seated need for belonging, without comparison, without solutions, just that simple, “yeah, that sucks,” and sitting there with you to listen, not preach, is what gap fillers can provide.

Broaden and build

Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson developed the Broaden-and-Build theory, which says that positive emotions, such as the gratitude I feel and the pride they feel, do more than just make us feel good in the moment.

Their help broadens and deepens my awareness of more possibilities and helps me avoid a stress cycle. Honestly, if you’ve ever been around someone complaining, ask them for a positive story. It’s challenging but hella worth it to at least break the cycle.

Over time, as all these little gaps get filled, they build psychological capital (e.g. resilience, social bonds, physical health) that helps in future crises.

The Pebble

Thanks for the inspiration, Jono

The challenge: Be a Gap Filler

Hold on, don’t close the email just yet. There’s a trick to making this work.

You can’t seek credit. This isn’t performative. Your gift and your brain’s reward must be purely intrinsic and authentic.

No one needs to feel like a charity case.

As Jonathan says, do it in that “quiet, kind way.”