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Single tears slowly drip down my tightened face. With clenched teeth, I nod in agreement with my son’s therapist, who has decided today’s session should focus on me instead of Ben.
Last weekend, my son hit a 2-out, walk-off single down the third base path to bring home the winning run and win back-to-back championships. I exploded with pride.
“Why did you feel that way?” the therapist asked.
He’s earned it. He played in two leagues all summer long. He’s confident in his abilities, as are his coaches; they put him in the batting order behind two all-stars so he can bring them home. And to think, to start the season, I was trying to get him to just swing.
Why was I breaking down?
That weekend also contained 3 hockey practices, 4 hours, in 3 locations around the city. I’m the coach and need to prepare for practices.
Before this therapy session, I had a 1-hour panel interview for a job.
Before that, I had a 1-hour presentation to a client.
The pressure was mounting. I was stretched thin and flailing.
My thoughts turned negative, ruminating on what I hadn’t done: Crap, I need to follow up with an email post-interview, send that deck to that prospect, apply to that saved job, finish that coaching certification, decide on whether or not to get that professional accreditation….and…and…and…and on it went. So many open loops.
I told the therapist I should be waking up at 5:30 with my wife to work out. I can never get up in time, and maybe it’s the kids. I can’t start on my 14 item to-do list until I’ve got the kids ready and out the door.
“Where does that feeling come from?” she asked. “These negative thoughts?”
We all have them (likely passed down through generations). Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) crawl into our heads and convince us we’re not enough, that we’ll fail, or that we’ll never catch up. Left unchecked, they loop endlessly, draining our energy and fuelling anxiety or depression.
The truth is you don’t have to believe every stupid thing you think.
It’s time to move from I’m not good enough and move to validation through experience. From a negative to a positive perspective.
The pebble
I’m giving you the framework I was given to move forward and “kill the ants”.
Recognize the pattern
Negative thoughts aren’t facts. They’re shaped by mood, stress, and past experiences. Common patterns include:
All-or-nothing thinking: “If I mess up once, I’m a total failure.” (e.g. If I don’t follow up, my job/client opportunity is gone).
Overgeneralization: “I always screw things up.” (e.g. Why do I always leave these practice plans to the last minute?).
Should statements: “I should be able to do it all.” (e.g. I should cross off these 14 to-dos off my list today).
Blame: “It’s their fault I failed.” (e.g. it’s the kids fault I can’t start my day earlier).
Challenge the thought
This is the work of Byron Katie, an American author, speaker, and podcaster who runs through a process of liberating questions.
Is it true? Was it the kids fault? No.
How do I feel when I think it? Sad, small, stressed, guilt-tripping.
How do I act? I’m negative. I’m angrier. I’m shorter with them.
How would I feel, act, and live without it? I can relax, spend time, enjoy these precious, fleeting moments with them.
Essentially, you flip the script. Moving from the negative to the positive, reframing the thought so your brain starts believing it. It’s neuroplasticity at work — you’re rewiring your brain.
Act, even when you don’t feel like it
In John Steinbeck’s classic East of Eden, the main character, Adam, down on his luck, falling apart, wrecked by grief is told, “Go through the motions. Act out being alive, like a play. After a while, it will be true.”
Culturally, we worship authenticity, but our feelings (as you can see) are unstable. Action precedes motivation. Take action: get out of bed, send the email, go for a run. Actions shape habits > habits shape character. Authenticity follows consistency.
The challenge
Stop ruminating.
Rumination is a major factor in depression. Breaking the cycle means moving from reflection and overthinking to redirection: Recognize the thought, challenge it with compassion, act anyway, close the loop.
You can’t kill every ANT at once, but start with one. Write it down. Walk through the process. Act. Repeat.